A Quirk of Mine

Yesterday and the day before have both been long, very exhausting days for me. No matter which way I slice things I have gotten to the second half of both days and simply not had the energy to do anything I planned to do. However, I want to comment on something that sort of… came to the forefront of my mind yesterday when I was lying in bed and trying to write this (but really passing out).

Almost all of the time I am loathe to admit, either to myself or to others, anything good or positive about myself for fear that acknowledging such things inherently detracts from their… well, goodness.

There is really no rational reason for me to think this way but it does make it hard for me to think about days like yesterday when the person I was with for most of the day really just needed someone to talk to, someone that understood them (literally speaking, their first language is not English) because I always feel that the moment I start to acknowledge something good that I did it ceases to be good. Kind of like quantum theory which states that by observing something you are changing it.

If I’m honest about it, this quirk is not something that I am really all too comfortable with. Really it is no different to other states of denial about yourself and is probably just as healthy (which is to say not healthy at all). Much like my much previously mentioned issues with regards to processing being angry, this particular aspect of myself is something that needs to be dealt with, though perhaps only for a sense of personal advancement rather than because of any effect it might have on my practices.

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