Greener Grass or an Iron Fence?

I make little secret out of my envy of the relationships and praxes that other Pagans and heathens have or experience. Ever do I look at them and wish that I could be like the or indeed, be Them. Probably not healthy and certainly a little bit hypocritical given how often I’ve helped people become comfortable with themselves. If not hypocritical however then certainly very ironic. In different circumstances I might considered at fault for simply being envious but the day is long gone when any of my gods, such that I might claim one day, would take umbrage with me for feeling envy born of certain self esteem dysfunctions. Even leaving it just as ‘envy’ does a disservice.

Naturally, I cannot deny that in essence I want what these others have. More finely however, I want to experience what it is they experience – not the exact same things but the same kinds of things. So often have people spoken of these incredible events, deeds, meetings and more that it is hard to believe that everyone is simply crazy. In an interesting twist, it is all the harder to have any doubts or to not have faith because of this. It is also all the more frustrating. As though there is some secret step or trick or something between me and what a great many people seem to be experiencing.

Its something that goes beyond wanting to have some result to hot in my hot little hand to wave about whenever I get depressed or wanting to feel special or anything like that (though honesty compels me to admit that those reasons are a factor). Rather, its about knowing that you aren’t just some chump privately humiliating yourself in your apartment; knowing that there is still something… magical, mysterious, divine.

Still something special.

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4 thoughts on “Greener Grass or an Iron Fence?

  1. I understand how this feels. I compared myself with others, envious of the wonderful relationships I was reading about. But I finally came to realize that every person’s journey is different. Some are difficult and bumpy while others seem to have it easy. And it’s so easy to fall into the “I’m not doing right” or “The gods don’t love me as much” line of thinking. Believe me. I struggle with it daily. But please don’t let your struggle get to you too badly. Sometimes we have to “make lemonade” for the time being in order to get through whatever it is that’s holding us back. Only you can decide what’s right for you, but sometimes our struggles and difficulties are the pressure that creates a diamond.

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