I make little secret out of my envy of the relationships and praxes that other Pagans and heathens have or experience. Ever do I look at them and wish that I could be like the or indeed, be Them. Probably not healthy and certainly a little bit hypocritical given how often I’ve helped people become comfortable with themselves. If not hypocritical however then certainly very ironic. In different circumstances I might considered at fault for simply being envious but the day is long gone when any of my gods, such that I might claim one day, would take umbrage with me for feeling envy born of certain self esteem dysfunctions. Even leaving it just as ‘envy’ does a disservice.
Naturally, I cannot deny that in essence I want what these others have. More finely however, I want to experience what it is they experience – not the exact same things but the same kinds of things. So often have people spoken of these incredible events, deeds, meetings and more that it is hard to believe that everyone is simply crazy. In an interesting twist, it is all the harder to have any doubts or to not have faith because of this. It is also all the more frustrating. As though there is some secret step or trick or something between me and what a great many people seem to be experiencing.
Its something that goes beyond wanting to have some result to hot in my hot little hand to wave about whenever I get depressed or wanting to feel special or anything like that (though honesty compels me to admit that those reasons are a factor). Rather, its about knowing that you aren’t just some chump privately humiliating yourself in your apartment; knowing that there is still something… magical, mysterious, divine.
Still something special.